Sunday, July 22, 2001

Hell. Hell is having to return to the "scene of the crime. To return to everything familiar and yet be uncomfortable. Everything smells the same, looks the same.....until she walks into the room.Cold stares, unfriendly speach. All you want to do is reach out, grab her and give her a hug, kiss, and tell her its ok.......it can be the same. But yet your afraid that if you were to try, you would get her fist. Cold and calous you know she can sense and smell the hurt....knowing that being this way can kill you, but keep you alive. Nothing I ever did deserves this punishment. You just hope and pray that by going to see her "doctor" that someday she will feel the same about you........But what about the damage that has been done?!?! Will it ever be right again, or will I just be waiting for the next time? There is only one thing i ever wanted to secure for my children....and that was for them to always have their parents 24/7....to never ahve to travel to see them.....to beat societies odds.....with this.......and the broken heart....I am tormented....a failure..but I continue on.........

Thursday, July 19, 2001

07/19/01- I had it all. The house, the family dog, or dogs I should say. 2 wonderful children, and a fiance. Now your probably wondering why just a fiance, not a wife. Well that is just first piece of the puzzle that my life has broken into.

We did most everything backwards. Had children, then planned to get married. But times became rough. Money was in short supply. I worked making what could be called a good wage. She didn't, and I was ok with that, I did not push for her to, at the time she didn't want to. The night before it was all over everything was fine, we went to bed to sleep as normal, with the goodnight kiss and telling each other to have sweet dreams. But after those last, precious, memorable moments....nothing would be the same.

This poem I found tells almost exactly how our relationship was over the 3 years we were together.

The first time ever I saw you,
That night you entered the room.
I felt a change in my heart
And hoped that a friendship would bloom.
We soon get together and started to dance,
This was the beginning of a beautiful romance.
I hoped that this would go on forever,
And that you would leave me never.
Before you left, you kissed me goodnight,
promising to see me the next day.
Your lips were the first ever to touch mine,
And I was angry in no way.
I went to bed later that night,
With only visions in my head.
I dreamt of things we could do together,
Thought only of you as I lay on my bed.
Not long after, you said farewell.
When we would meet again, you could not tell.
All too soon reality had stepped in,
And memories were all I had left!
Copyright ... Jenni Kalicharan

God I miss her.....and would do anything to get her back.

07/18/01- This site will be a testament to the torture and misery my heart, and soul are going through. Will I make it out in one piece, and more sane then I am. Over the course of time, and the life of this site, we will see.